last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
