Just fell off a train. Bad.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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