if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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