Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
time to smoke my breakfast
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
