I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We were destined to go to rehab together
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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