Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
