I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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