There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
