At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
