He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
