you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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