Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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