I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
