I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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