am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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