I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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