He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
