Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
