Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
