dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
