That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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