No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
