the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize