I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
