Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
