i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize