M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
