That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
