Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
