I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
