How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
