You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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