Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
