i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
