Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
