the condom got lost in my hair
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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