I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
