I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
