This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize