Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
