Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
