Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
