awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize