That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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