yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We're too hungover to prance.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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