god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
