Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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