She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
