Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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