i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
