There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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