this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
