Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize