He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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