id be glad to
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
