Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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