and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
