Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
