You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
