You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
