lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
