Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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