the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
