You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
