I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
