Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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