do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
hell yes lets make some ravioli
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
