Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
