just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
