i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
