I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
